Humorous quotes for team building

Laughter is one of the simple joys of life; and recent studies say we need 12 laughs a day just to stay healthy! Well, this is our contribution to your good health! In fact, I'd venture to say if you don't get your "day's quota" of 12 laughs while reading this little book, then check your pulse...you may be dead!

Here's a little sampling that I hope will make your day a little brighter!

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. -Will Kommen

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. -Dean Martin

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. -Wendy Liebman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves

He that falls in live with himself will have no rivals. -Ben Franklin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. -Joey Bishop

Read the book from Simple Truths: "Laughter is an Instant Vacation ", is 160 pages of pure, unadulterated...FUN. It has over 250 great quotes, and many funny photos that'll make you laugh out loud.

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Laughter is one of the simple joys of life! Take a few minutes to enjoy the movie, Laughter is an Instant Vacation. You will laugh, chuckle and take a little stress out of your day.

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." Doug Larson

Click on this movie link for Laughter Is An Instant Vacation:

Leader quotes for teambuilding

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...and George followed her, dying July 2008)

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete....

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ' I love you ' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again..

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping. ~Irish Prayer

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. ~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Teambuilding quotes

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom. ~Taki

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. ~Christopher Morley

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. ~Irvin S. Cobb

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. ~Francis Bacon

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. ~Tom Walsh

Humor has a way of bringing people together. It unites people. In fact, I'm rather serious when I suggest that someone should plant a few whoopee cushions in the United Nations. ~Ron Dentinger

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. ~Mark Twain

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity. ~James Thurber

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. ~William James

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor. ~Bill Kelly, "Mordillo"

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. ~Mahatma Gandhi

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. ~Peter De Vries

Humor is just another defense against the universe. ~Mel Brooks

Humor is reason gone mad. ~Groucho Marx

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. ~Peter Ustinov

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. ~Sid Caesar

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. ~Ellie Katz

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humor excites in those who lack it. ~George Saintsbury

Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously. ~Arland Ussher

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. ~Mary Hirsch

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes. ~William Davis

Many a true word is spoken in jest. ~English Proverb

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. ~Frank A. Clark

Above all else: go out with a sense of humor. It is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. ~Hugh Sidey

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. ~Thomas W. Higginson

Let your humour always be good-humour, in the double sense of the phrase: if it comes from a bad humour, it is almost sure to be bad humour. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Humor prevents one from becoming a tragic figure even though he/she is involved in tragic events. ~E.T. "Cy" Eberhart

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~Max Eastman

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road. ~Henry Ward Beecher

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. ~Victor Borge, London Times, 3 January 1984

Someone once defined humor as a way to keep from killing yourself. I keep my sense of humor and I stay alive. ~Abe Burrows

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. ~Roman Gary

Humor is, I think, the subtlest and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers. ~Leo Rosten

Find more Simle Truth's movies and books

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. ~Woody Allen

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~Jean Houston

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown

Mirth is God's medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. ~Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts," Saturday Night Live

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings

Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle

What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh! ~Agnes Repplier

So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter. ~Gordon W. Allport

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ~Victor Borge

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other. ~Alan Alda

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~Kurt Vonnegut

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart

A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash. ~Puzant Kevork Thomajan

There can never be enough said of the virtues, dangers, the power of a shared laugh. ~Françoise Sagan

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." ~Quincy Jones

Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks. ~Henri Bergson

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end. ~Max Eastman

A man isn't poor if he can still laugh. ~Raymond Hitchcock

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. ~Kurt Vonnegut

Remember, men need laughter sometimes more than food. ~Anna Fellows Johnston

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad. ~Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus, Book I, chapter 4

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. ~Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die. ~Abraham Lincoln

Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea. ~Kat Likkel and John Hoberg, My Name Is Earl, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," original airdate 16 November 2006

A good, real, unrestrained, hearty laugh is a sort of glorified internal massage, performed rapidly and automatically. It manipulates and revitalizes corners and unexplored crannies of the system that are unresponsive to most other exercise methods. ~Author unknown, from an editorial in New York Tribune, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing. ~Ken Kesey

It was not a laugh but merely a loud smile. ~Author Unknown

Seven days without laughter makes one weak. ~Mort Walker

A laugh is a smile that bursts. ~Mary H. Waldrip

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. ~Victor Hugo

[L]aughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. ~Hugh Sidey

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place. ~Josh Billings

Carry laughter with you wherever you go. ~Hugh Sidey

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. ~Arnold Glasow

Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense. ~Author Unknown

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist. ~Joseph Heller

Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

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